Someone.

Someone's mind is somewhere else. Someone sends me chocolate and someone brings me ice cream. Someone is the king of philosophy and someone has the worst taste when it comes to drinks. Someone needs some new music to listen to and someone is leaving soon. Someone loves eye contact and someone struggles with eye contact for even 3 seconds. Someone is sad and someone is happier than ever before. Someone tries to figure life out and someone think that life is already figured out. Someone tries to understand me and someone decided not to bother. Someone tells me that I'm smart and someone tells me that I'm not being real. And the same person tells me that I am incredible and genuin. Alright. Whatever.
 
And then there's me.
 
Just living. Trying to keep it together. Working 6 days a week, sometimes 7. And still have time for everything else I want to have time for. Being me. All the time. Trying to convince someone that being me is all I am. Being real is what I am, all the time. But I decided yesterday to stop bother with trying to convince someone that. I'm in bed with the flu at the moment, trying to get well. I miss my crossfit team and I miss work. It feels like it's been forever but it's only been three days. I miss my mom, too. Come take care of me please. And I'll take care of you. But right now we are doing it from a distance. And that is okay. I'm leaving soon. But it breaks my heart a little bit. I am supposed to be okay with goodbyes by this time but I'm not. Cause I'm not just leaving, I am leaving everything I have here. The first home I've had in 6 months and the first home ever that has been my own. But well. I'll figure this out too. And I'll find my own place again when it is time for that. I don't think I am supposed to have just one place in my life right now. I don't think I am supposed to have anything to call home. I don't need it. At all. Cause home is where your heart is, right? And a house can't give me that right now.
 
Goodbye. I loved to be us for a while. If it was more than pretending.

Ups and downs.

Ups and downs. But just take a deep breath and start over. Some days are worse than others and some days you can't stop smiling. I decided to be okay again though. I decided to have the days where I can't stop smiling. Cause oh, how I love them days. 
 
It's okay not be okay, as he told me. Which is true. Agreed. 
 
Your life is perfect they say. But it's only cause I make it so. I don't wake up every morning with a smile on my lips because life is easy. Or because I never have to fight for anything. I have my problems too. But I have learnt how to deal with them. How to be okay with not being okay all the time. 

I'm at work right now. I've had a pretty slow day, not too busy. Hopefully I'll get at least two more customers before it is time to go home for the day. I'm going to meet the crossfit crew for peptalk later and tomorrow morning we'll workout til' we can't stand up. It feels so amazing to do crossfit now, and that I can go for morning runs without having too much pain in ribs and knee and that.
 

Sen åkte du och brädan utomlands.

Ja, jag gjorde ju det. Jag tog inte med mig någon bräda, men det var många sådana som väntade på mig här borta. Jag satte igång med surfingen ganska direkt och kanske var det en av anledingarna till att "Det är det du inte gör som förstör för dig". Och jag vet att du undrar om jag ens stått en enda våg. Det har jag. Och jag vet att du undrar vad som hände med dom vi var. Men jag ville någon annanstans, så jag bröt alla band. Inte för att det betyder att jag har glömt bort dig. Eller brutit några band. Inte överhuvudtaget faktiskt. Allting som funnits mellan oss finns forfarande där och kommer alltid att finnas där. Det finns ingenting eller någon människa som kan ta dig ifrån mig. Saker kommer att ändras, och det vet vi båda två. Det kommer inte alltid att vara likadant. Men det betyder inte att det vi är kommer att försvinna. Kanske kommer du tro att någon annan ersätter dig. Kanske kommer du tro att någon annan är bättre än vad du är, och att jag skulle försöka att glömma bort dig. Men det är det som är grejen. Att vad jag än skulle känna så skulle jag alltid känna samma sak för dig. Tack för samtalet