About being free.

Where do we find ourselves - if not in the love of others?

How could we ever love others if we don't love ourselves first? Or at least accept ourselvs. Accept who we are. I think that is what it takes to love others, unconditionally. 

This place makes me bubble. A feeling I can't describe. I have never felt so free as I do here. Maybe cause I don't have what I'm used to anymore. Maybe cause I decided to let everything go for a while. Maybe cause I no longer have my rocks, mountains, that I need so much. All my people. My beloved people. I hope you all are okay. I hope that someone gives you a hug when you need it, and when you don't need it. Cause I know that I used to be that person, and we all need that. Cause I can cry my eyes out when I think about the people I love. I can cry my eyes out cause they are my rocks. I can disappear in their arms. Smile or cry, doesn't matter. They will always be there. And I will always be here for them. 

I wish I could have everything at the same time. That the ones I love could be here with me. To live this life with me. To share. To love. To smile. And maybe just to be. To be whatever we are. I want to show this place to them. They can't miss out on this. This place is perfect. This place is what I need right now, and maybe what some of my beloved ones also need. I'm so exited for when they'll be here. 

But back to being free. This life is so free. Okay, I have a job and all that, so people could consider it as being stuck. But no. Not at all. Just free. I love my job and I love what I'm doing with my days. I love the people I spend my time with. I love the food here. I love to wake up in the morning. I love to make porridge for breakfast and I love to sit here right now and write all these things down. I love to sit on the train on my early mornings to work and I love to catch the train back to my home after work. 
Australia is so much more than I thought it was going to be. More emotions involved, more people. More of everything. And when I think back to the time when I was going to move to Australia, still in Sweden, I can't even think of what my thoughts about it was. I don't remember how I felt. What I expected. Anything. And actually, when I'm thinking about it, I don't think that I had any expectations at all. 

I have no idea where this is going. I don't even know what I want to get out of this. Or what I want to say. But I guess that it'll turn out the way it will. Probably you guys haven't even read this far. It's always so strange to write long texts, or texts anyway, cause you have no idea if anyone is reading. Or how much they're reading. So maybe this is just for me. Cause no one knows what I am talking about right now. But well. Who knows.

I am always afraid. Afraid of getting stuck, or afraid of not doing what I want to do. I know that I'm doing what I want to do right now, but I'm afraid that I will forget that and be as I used to be. And I don't want to be like that. I want to be this. This is me, and this is what I've always wanted to be. But what if I'm slowly going back to what I used to be, without even noticing? That is frightening. 
But it's all about being real. Living now. It's about controlling your thoughts. It's about having control of what you are. Maybe that's what I am afraid of, to lose the control of myself and turn into something I'm not. But I guess that it would take a lot for that to happen. And while writing this I realize even more that the only way to live is to have control. And I won't lose that control, if I just have control. Haha, this is a mess. I think my brain is a bit of a mess today. Maybe everyday. But like, in a good kind of way. Sometimes. Maybe.

Anyway, what is travelling doing to people? 
I think that travelling can change peoples lifes. I think that travelling is an eye opener. And you know these people who spend time with the wrong kind of people, these people is my target in this. Cause it's all about getting away. Getting out of what is going on. No one else is going to do that for you, cause it's something that you have to realize yourself. 
Maybe you could find that person who could drag you out of it. Who could be the inspiration to just get away. To see the world. To live life as we are supposed to do, every day. All the time. Which almost no one does. But most people think they do, or think that they try to do. But I would not waste my life waiting for a person to maybe show up and tell me how to live life, cause I'm here now, and that's all that matters. Let's just make the most out of it.
Here is where the most difficult thing shows up. The question of all questions.
- How do I make the most of out life?
I don't know if i'm just really lucky to know what I want to do with my life and how I want to live. Maybe I'm just lucky to know what I want to work with. What kind of people I want to spend my time with. Maybe I'm just lucky to have the perfect people in my life. Perfect in all the ways. But I kind of hope that's it's not only luck. That it has something to do with the way I think. Or whatever. I don't know. I just have so much going on in my mind right now, and I get super stressed cause I want it all out. I just want to get it all out. 

But that's where meditation appears. Meditation is the shit, believe me on that one. 
There's some people who have asked me about meditation. About how I do and why I do it. What I want to or try to get out of it. 
I have developed a lot in meditation since I started. The main reason I wanted to do it was to keep my mind together. To be able to control my thoughts and not just let everything flow by. I didn't know how to, though, cause is it even possible to actually control your thoughts?
And yes, it is. I am finally there. Where I want to be. I know how to control my thoughts. I know how to put them in folders in my mind. I can close my eyes, see my folders, and open them up one by one. Sometimes I decide not to open a single one of them, sometimes I open more than two. 
And when things are getting a bit messy, that's where meditation shows up. It is during my meditation that I can pick what folder to put what things in. So I usually sit on the floor, I sometimes listen to some music (at least when I started), but now I can do it while quiet also. I close my eyes, I look at my folders and I look at the mess around them. I could almost describe it as an office. You know all these papers laying all over the desk and you just can't really bother to look at what it is. That's how my brain used to work.
So now I can see all these papers on the desk, I can go through it and I can put it in the right folder. When I later on open that folder I'll go trough it all again. I can process it and I can find peace in it. I find peace in things that's ordely, so that's why I do it the way I do.

I've been writing for a long time now so I'm going to end this here. If you made it all the way down here, and if you have any questions about anything I've been talking about, just let me know. You can ask here on my blog or on facebook if that's easier. Now I'm going to go back to work and I'm going to do it well. 


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